I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Randomize
