U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
