8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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