it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
