My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
