It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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