i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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