that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
