hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
