Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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