Jerry, you need to find god
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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