He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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