I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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