Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
