Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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