I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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