oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
