your parents love me but you hate me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
