then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
