so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
