How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
