watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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