i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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