I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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