you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
