i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
