I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
