My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The uberlube is also flammable
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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