his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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