Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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