I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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