He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
