we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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