Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
