Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
