I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
