A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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