I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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