captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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