I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
