John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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