That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
