I'm gonna have a badass scar
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
NoShamevember. You game?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
