it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
