you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
handjob tips. give me some.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
