Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
