I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
