True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
