well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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