The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I love having hate sex.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
