My hand turned me down
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
